Please enjoy this article from the latest issue of our magazine, PETA Global. To begin your subscription, become a PETA member today!
Comedian Kevin Nealon sees the humor in just about anything – except cruelty to animals. Back in his Saturday Night Live days, he traveled to Las Vegas to help with PETA’s legal battle against Bobby Berosini, the seedy “entertainer” caught on video using a metal rod to beat the orangutans used in his act. Thankfully, what happened in Vegas didn’t stay in Vegas: All the orangutans were finally rescued and the show put out of business. Now, the Man With a Plan actor has a plan to ban vivisection. He stars in a new PETA video in which he slams animal experiments, calling them “archaic pseudo-science.”
“Trusting animal experiments is like when doctors endorsed cigarettes and actually smoked in hospitals. … It’s that crazy!” he says. “There’s been so much wasted time and so many wasted lives – the animals who died in experiments that meant nothing and the people who died waiting for a cure that wasn’t found because of bad science.”
Kevin employs his signature dry wit even when speaking up for animals. Standing next to Golden Girls star and fellow animal rights activist Rue McClanahan at a PETA event years ago, he reminded everyone that Rue means “street” in French – and added that McClanahan means “walker.” In a recent Instagram post, he channeled his inner giraffe by munching on leaves while reading from Ingrid Newkirk’s latest book, Animalkind.
We Need to Talk About Kevin
Below are just a few of PETA’s favorite “Kevinisms.”
It’s the effort that counts:
“Because this is a tough world and can be cruel at times, we all have to make an effort. A couple months ago, I raised $20,000 in the plight to help the animals. … Anyway, like I said, you know, this is a tough world, so I kept most of that money for myself. But the point is I made the effort, and that’s what I’m talking about.”
Eating meat has so many “benefits”:
“I enjoy eating meat, and lots of it. I can’t wait for mealtime when I can chow down on the decomposing corpse of a tortured animal. I like knowing that eating meat makes me four times more likely to have a heart attack or a stroke.”
There are telltale signs of politicians “least likely to succeed”:
“I don’t know what it is about all these presidents and candidates that think that they will appeal to people by saying they’re a hunter. … Will we ever get into a war with bears or deer? I don’t think so.”
Factory farms are no vacation for pigs:
“These conditions are deplorable. It is … worse than being on a cruise ship ….”
Coyotes always give him a lift:
“Living in California, I have learned to admire the survival skills of the coyotes. We have all encroached on their habitat and yet they still thrive. … I stopped my car once to watch a large coyote. Twenty yards away, standing in my headlights, he casually looked at me over his shoulder as if to say, ‘Are you my Uber?’”
Animal experiments are pointless:
“I’m talking about the big, strength-of-four-grown men chimpanzees. Four grown men – that’s the number they come up with all the time. … They must have done a study at one point, you know, to figure that out. They start with one grown man, you know: ‘Get in the cage with that chimp – let’s see who’s stronger. Oh, no, no, two, two grown men, two grown men! Three, three, three, three!’ – until they get to four. It cost six lives, that study. But it’s worth it. They got their answer: It’s four.”
Here’s how he started with PETA:
“It’s been more years than I care to count since I threw my support behind PETA. I didn’t have a choice really. They threatened to take my firstborn son. He’s almost a teenager now, and I’m wondering if we might be able to renegotiate that deal.”
… and why he’s still with PETA:
“You just don’t say ‘no’ to PETA. They know where you live, and they are willing to go to your house and stand outside with posters telling all your friends, neighbors, and the UPS guy your deepest, darkest secrets. I’ll never forget the months PETA spent following Al Gore all over the country to expose the Environmental Protection Agency’s horrific toxicity tests on animals. Now … they are at long last ending those tests. Plus, Al Gore is a vegan. Because he, like the rest of us, knows resistance is futile.”
